you knew

today i needed you, you were there.

when i need you, you are there ready, when i fall.

i fell

i fall time and again you are there catching my tears caressing my ego

in silence you knew

seeing and not looking

falling

secrets. our secrets. desires, none. all.

goethe was there, rilke missed it. it is just a place: rocks and water

i was talking about you, you were the one with whom i was talking.

we do fall in love with our own delusions.

in hallucinations, we see perfection in insanity we disconnect and call it reality

the blues

the deep deep funk of the past can return. it is here, the bastard!

is this the taste of that phantasm that we do not dare address by name or look straight in the eye?

the deep deep blue funk is here and somehow it looks different and it never smelled quite like this, and frankly at this point i do not even know what colour it is. at two in the morning the deep deep funk always looks different.

this is simple. you observed that i hesitated. you reminded me of what i had forgotten in my hesitation. i listened to you and i allowed myself to be wrong and refused to do make myself wrong. it was so damn simple!

now, it is something about the gordian knot.

waking up

waking up and knowing. knowing to be loved. loved.

i shall never forget that day of a summer past when i first felt this feeling of being loved and not knowing what it was. i had to test every dimension of your being before just last spring i saw that love of yours as impersonal, infinite and precious beyond reason. yes, you are beyond reason. you are human and as such full of weakness, desire, lust, frustration and power.

my name is... my name is... my name is...

last night we talked about names and you were not the one with whom i was talking. it did not matter. somehow i fail to see human beings as disconnected; i hold one long conversation with the universe and my partner in this conversation keeps on changing, most keep on returning. once he has blue eyes, other times they are green or brown. each individual is unique and distinct, yet connected, there is only one conversation in life, and that is the conversation of sharing life now.

the silence

silence came quietly and unexpectedly

silence was desired silence was welcome

you. again you. once more, you.

i do not exist

it is silent

the pain gives way to silence

compassion

infinite compassion

you. again you. once more, you.

where do we begin?

we never started we never ended

silence. infinite silence.

the you the me the silence

 

did you ever love like a fool?

did you?

do you love like a fool?

you can not imagine how very vulnerable i do feel in your presence!

vulnerable and strong, it is a paradox of those feelings whirled at me then.

what i long for is that absolute intimacy coming from freedom and from somewhere deep down. i wonder if you and i are indeed as alike as it appears to me now. i feel that you give and love with the whole generosity of your heart, i call this loving like a fool. it is loving in a way that is not calculating or manipulative, just like a simple fool that i am, i love. is this the kind of gentle fool with whom i have fallen in love with?

it would be easy to ignore the feelings, override the emotions by ratio, justify the actions and then disconnect from humanity and deny that which we seek. what is it that i seek and that i keep on denying myself?

but, what is your name?

oh! what great fools we are!

we are alive.