fear

it was more than a month ago. i took my pen and wrote you the longest letter that i have ever written to you. more than twenty pages in a notebook that was to remain with me. it is a letter to you. that paper with those words will one day turn to ash. they will. so will you and i.

i took a long walk where we have never walked together. it was time to think, it was time to throw my memories of you down the river of times past. it was impossible.

hold me tight, and let me be

i have no doubts

i have no hopes

i have me

 

again and again we fall in love

with our children

with the rain

with the seasons

i have no hesitation

i have no desire

i have no dreams

i have it all

i have me

hold me tight, and let me be

bitch!

damned bitch you are!

now, you remembered. now, i have forgotten!

you took a little girl and you kicked her,

you took a little girl and you abused her,

you took a little girl and lied,

you took a little girl and you took the money

you left the girl...

she never mattered, did she?

what is a girl? what is life?

what does it matter, to be human?

what is the purpose of it all anyhow?

how can you be such a damned blind fool?

i do not care for your answers. your answers are excuses. your excuses are deception.

now... you begin to realize that the time passed will never come back. now you begin to realize... and i just do not care.

once i cared. i used to dream of it. i sought it everywhere.

i found it. your daughter is long dead.

sleeping with demons

my mind is too cluttered for poetry. i have been sleeping with my demons, going to bed with the devil, and copulating with insecurity. thus my prose... riddled in muddle, ambiguity, and utter incredulity.

that is about the shape of things in the place that i find myself right now. i love it. it is like standing on the edge of the grand canyon and loosing all sight of perspective and distance. how far are those ridges, how far are those abysses? near of close?

yesterday i cried of sadness, and i was happy. i can still see in my minds eye how it felt to sit there curled in that designer chair near the university, and just feeling the warmth that sadness embraced brings, i called it happiness. it was awfully delightful, and it made me think of nothing in particular, i just felt surrender.

need

i have considered my needs.i have wondered. i have wandered i have flirted with insanity. i have seduced insanity.

deep into the writing of a novel, i start to draft another story that is not fiction. i can barely draw the distinction between fiction and non-fiction, much less keep them separate. i draw and all my frustration surfaces. i want to draw more. writing has became slow and tedious, a toiled labour. writing is my obsession. this is my predicament. it is my love. my love, my first love?

i could not have prepared better for this time. it could be that comfort is not what life is all about. i am curious.

 

are discomfort and ease ever simultaneously possible?

this winter i fell in love with a man, this spring i fell in love with a cherry tree.

i believe in nothing at all. not in the words, not in the images, not even in your existence

i need to breathe.

it is grey, dapple-grey

it is perhaps a day like any other. like any other day, i am not ready for it. if there is anything that i know, i know that most days greet me with surprise.

it is a grey and sobering day. the sunshine is hiding and i am alone in my solitude and my desire to live.

emotion, pure and simple they say, that was it, that is it. that is life, it is emotion.

there is nothing to say, nothing to tell... it is grey, dapple-grey it is.

woke up remembering a dream, once more defending you in my dream like in all those little inconsequential conversations that splatter themselves across my day. why must i want to defend you?

so, how has it been, you will ask next time, like you did last time. i will look at you at a loss, for the only certainty is that i do not know how to tell you how it has been. after i looked in your eyes and looked for what i can not find in your question mark, i will smile and i will say something or other, i will hide, i always do. you will hold me again, we will not talk... i have nothing for you, you have nothing for me. we shall be.

it will be in some time from now, and it will be in a time that i can not imagine. the certainty of my other dream is not grey, it is bright and trepid. trepid is my nature, bright is my essence.

haruki murakami

haruki murakami, originally uploaded by shop boy.

he is good

i still have a few dreams

today was another day in this life,

and if i died now,

you could say that i was happy