expressions

i lied to you. i did. i was not working hard to forget you, i was working hard to forget me. months later i get on a jet needing distance. at the door to my flat am reminded of what i keep leaving behind. i keep forgetting me, and then i forget that i forgot, and work even harder to just forget: me.

it is a mad cat. i wanted a horse and ended up with a cat. i pick it up, and we go to the balcony. i squint and can not see. i feel it purring snug in my arms.

it was night. the freaking cat does not forget me. each and every time, i leave it behind. i stay away for months on end. the cat does not forget and each and every time, it is a ritual. it loves the warmth, any warmth, even my warmth; it purrs and purrs. i watch across the city at my feet. it is just the cat that does not forget me. high above the crowds, in the night, on a balcony, the cat and me, we forget.

you reminded me of existence. you reminded me of being human. you reminded me that i had left the cat. the cat has not been left alone. the cat does not care about my presence in the flat. the cat does not care, it purrs.

it is time

i have looked for you everywhere and it could well be that instead of looking, i ought to have been listening. you and i go a long long way in that we were born together, and together we will move on to eternity. yes you, i am talking to you. talking, writing, thinking with you: me.

not long ago you wrote to one of your best friends, you wrote to that one with whom you have decided to share all without really needing to share anything. when you thought about it a bit more, then you realised that the need was there after all. the need that was there was that of being just one. what you have been looking for all along has been your own integrity, and you have been looking for it as though it was a foreign abstract idolatry.

not long ago you listened to me. not long ago you finally saw me. the sight of me leaves you uncomfortable, does it not?

you are totally surprised, if for nothing else because you could not imagine that it would be so easy. i have been here all along, and all the discomfort and trials are part of it all.

you have cursed biology and all of science, and above all you have questioned it all. you are pretty sure that apples fall to the ground, and you are pretty sure that Newton claims to have called that the effect of gravity, but after that, what is it that we know?

welcome to my adventure...

sleeping with demons

my mind is too cluttered for poetry. i have been sleeping with my demons, going to bed with the devil, and copulating with insecurity. thus my prose... riddled in muddle, ambiguity, and utter incredulity.

that is about the shape of things in the place that i find myself right now. i love it. it is like standing on the edge of the grand canyon and loosing all sight of perspective and distance. how far are those ridges, how far are those abysses? near of close?

yesterday i cried of sadness, and i was happy. i can still see in my minds eye how it felt to sit there curled in that designer chair near the university, and just feeling the warmth that sadness embraced brings, i called it happiness. it was awfully delightful, and it made me think of nothing in particular, i just felt surrender.