greed

yes, let me own up to my very brand of greed. i think that i met it this weekend!

really, i want it all. all. the riches, the fame, the knowledge, the wisdom, the friends, the family, all. i want it all. i want it all and then i want to set my tent up at the beach. this is me, your concerns may or may not touch me.

i simply want it all! and i want it now. i am impatient. an impatient, greedy, ungrateful bitch i am. that is me. open up your arms and embrace her, for i want you too!

i want so much of it all, it paralyses me.

just as success is starting to show me its face, and i find myself poorly equipped to welcome it in my chaos, just then you enter my life. you enter my life, you ask permission, and you tell me about your very own brand of egoism, and you tell me about not wanting compromises. at that point i knew, i want you.

i want it all, and i want no compromises. greed.

you could not!

you could not help it, you had to tease me yesterday!

that is you: you tease.

this time it was about photoshop, and how refreshing it was!

i wanted to hug you yesterday, and then in the commotion of it all, i simply forgot. i did not have to. i forget.

i forget so very much!

i often wondered as to what would happen to the wonderful muse whom you have been, if ever you would be any closer.

fact is, you have been damn close all along, the distance was mine, the distance was mine alone. you have been there all the time, yet... not i. i was not there, was i?

sometimes it feels as though you were the memory of me, and that is odd indeed.

my life is odd, no doubt.

what a wonderful odd life this is!

me, just me

me and nobody else, that is who is here. just me.

these days i feel so completely raw. i feel vulnerable like i never have felt before. i do not know if it is that i have forgotten how i felt on other days, on other occasions, or if it is as i sense it these days. i have tunnelled through to that other side that i said that i would tunnel through. i do not know this side.

i had no idea of what i was talking about then, i just felt that there was something to tunnel through, and that there was another world on the other side. all my muses and friends have been my tunnelling midwives, who are you all? i am filled with gratitude and tears are never far. who am i? where am i?

it was something about discovering one day that there is nothing easier than to be me, and if life has been hard on occasions, it was because i thought that i had no right to just be me. it was something about a couple of months ago just wanting a bit of clarity about that muse's canvas. what was it that i wrote then? what was it that i wrote a few months ago? why is it that when i am confronted with my own prejudices, i want to die?

then, that was three years ago, it was something about a name. i, i do not even have a name to my identity, i am just here. but then it was a gift of the universe, and all i could do was to bow and say thank you.

being myself is doing nothing, or so i thought then. today, i do not even know. i just feel, raw and fragile. i feel tired of all the memories. yet, those memories just need a bit of compassion. they are mine, all mine!

whatever those memories in need of compassion are they come with aggression stored up somewhere in this body of mine. i have run and hit the tatami, and i have felt the love for the enemy in practice. there in front of me is the aggressor and all i can do to defend myself is to be totally aware and meet that aggression - mine - with all the universe's love. just me.

 

 

the day has been fury

it was perfect when it started, this day of today. really, perfect.

then there was forgetfulness and the day was even better. there is no rhyme or reason here, it is just the way it is. i allow others to forget, to forget is human i say. but i, i give myself no permission to forget. yet, i forget.

i forget that i am human. how could i ever forget that?

trouble me, do

we fall in love, we do

we fall in love. we love.

we want to love

we want to give

we want to share

we want it to be the last time

or

we fall in love again and again

you and i just you and i

again and again

we will fall in love

with our children

with the rain

and with the seasons

again and again

we will fall in love

trouble me, do.

your ghost

this morning the ghost of your blue eyes knocked on my door.

i do not like your ghost showing up unannounced.

what was it then? it is not that i regret your departure or your lack of elegance or manners. we have gone down this road before, i have told you all that i wanted to tell you. it left you cold, or it left you hot and bothered. do i care? not really. did i ever care? i doubt it.

you opened pandora's box, yes you did, you did not mean to, did you? but you did.

today i was by the river, by the levee, by that place where we met for the first time one morning early. i took the ghost of your blue eyes and left it there. i am still grateful to you for all that you gave me in spite of the fact that there was nothing that you wanted to give me. you wanted something from me, and i was not the one who had it. i do not know if you found it or if you will ever find it. i know it begins with you, not with me, it is in you. perhaps you have discovered that by now.

but it did hurt like hell on this side, and yes it did even if i do not know how much hell can hurt. it hurt. my pain was very real, it was inside of me. i know i cause that, i know that i am the generator, owner, and healer of my pain. release, forgiveness, surrender... oh yes. remember, i was there already, i allowed you to distract me. i was careless and reckless. how very reckless of me to have dared to love. i gave you permission, i opened the door. i did.

i was there already, and you thought that i would give it to you. i did not, i couldn't, nobody can. your happiness is within.

hold me

hold me, and let me free

no doubts no constraints no compromises

hold me tight, and let me be

trouble me

oh, do!

 

internal

i do not like your doubts when i am sure i do not like your hesitation,

i do not like your doubts when when i am determined.

i do not like your deception

i do not like your lies, they feed my fears,

i do not like your ways.

but who are you?

you are part of me. you are mine, all mine.

who else would caress your roughness? who else takes you in when you have been beaten?

but why do you feel hurt at my tears of joy?

have we not been good friends?

remember when you saved me once or twice?

am i the great ungrateful?

why do you not just accept my joy?