when i need you, i need refuge, i need protection. i am feeling this way now.
i say need, but is it need?
i need you now because dealing with a depression that i could not have anticipated, and that has as its purpose the healing of my thorn spirit, is nothing that i can do alone. it is strange that i feel that it is you whom i need in particular, when at the same time it is not in your arms that i desire to be.
it could be that it is not so strange after all, the greatest gift that we have shared is the knowledge that our relationship is not personal, it is intimate and not personal.
how can it be that while i am feeling this need, i am also frightened to find myself in your arms. how can this be? if it is not personal, then why would it matter?
irreverent and without waiting for the answers, it is in thinking of your words that i find strength. it is in seeing you conquering your weaknesses that i know that i too will conquer mine.
last time you said something that has stuck in my mind, like i had never heard it before, and as though it was a revelation. it was about reacting and the difference between reacting and being in the presence of a threat. i see you demonstrating this in the film of my memory every day since then. i see it and i can not describe it with words. are the words failing me, or am i failing with the words?
we are conditioned by an arbitrary set of social values that are there to supposedly ensure that our life is good. still, i am not ready to conform, and i suspect that i may never reach that point. surrender i will, but i shall not conform. i shall surrender to my nature and spirit, and i will not conform to that which is not mine.
they have asked me if i am in love with you. i have laughed at the absurdity of the question. i love every stone, every tree, every child, every being. how would i not love you?
to not love you, that would be personal.
