the hate and the rest

i hate it that you ask me to make decisions that you think i can make better than you. i can not decide better than you.

why me? why now? on what kind of film do i find myself in now? who wrote this screenplay? whose story is this?

i remember when a wise old man asked me if i was getting anything out of the tales he had to tell. i looked at him in surprise for i was convinced that he had something sweet to teach me. i was deaf, not blind. you and him share a name, gender and not much else as you both have encountered me at very different stages of this comedy of my life. his teaching was indeed very sweet, overwhelmingly sweet it was. that very question of his encapsulated what i needed. then i could not quite fathom what was going on. how could i have possibly been so rich and fortunate? how could i be so lucky and have so much when others had so little?

that is how i stayed and discovered that i had written my story and then proceeded to live it. when the subconscious bubbles up dreams that have me wonder what reality is because these dreams subsequently happen during my waking hours while i can make no sense of them, then i want to curse it all. now i am just annoyed and hating the fact that it is as it is. i want to embrace this hate like i have embraced this love. i do wonder why i have not yet ran away from it all. you tell your stories and you muse of your fears out loud and hidden in plain sight, and i do wonder if i will abandon caution and pretence and just hold out my hand to you. if i hold my hand out to you i know that we will stay alone as alone as we have always been. but do i want to hold your hand now?

so it is that i know no love, no hate, no passion, no glory, no emotion. am i like the wind? water is the most humble of all elements. are you like water?

i never thought

i never thought that it would be this way. i never thought that i would risk it all, and then in one split second of madness decide it all. decide now, at this point, take a stand, make a commitment, and then not think. think nothing at all.

i have struggled in the past months with the voice of one character. sometimes i have it, it is a loud and clear voice. each time that i hear it, i want to hang on to it, however more often than not, i go back to it, and i do not find its thread again.

i never thought that it would be this way. i never thought that i would embrace it all, and then in one split second of madness decide it all. decide now, at this point, embrace it and close my eyes, and then think nothing at all.

i have struggled in the past months with the very presence of your existence. sometimes i have it, it is a radiant and smooth being. each time that i sense it, i want to hang on to it, however more often than not, i go back to it, and i do not find its thread again.

i never thought that it would be this way. i never thought that i would end it all, and then in one spit second of madness decide it all. decide now, at this point, end it and run away, and then think nothing at all.