you said that i hesitate, and indeed, sometimes i do hesitate.
after an half-bottle of something bubbly and alcoholic, i am drunk. i was drunk before i had the first sip of this half-bottle.
i am thinking of the wise in my life and all the good fortunes that i have had in this very life of mine. today i visited a dear being who took me in her house and treated me as her daughter when i was ten years old. i lived in this dear woman's house for two years during the week while i was attending high school. now she is around 80 somewhere, lucid and incapacitated. she suffers with the thought that she is now dependent on others, she was there always for her two children, her husband and for me or any other relative. i held her and thanked her for the good treatment that i received in her house and apologized for my short comings which were many at that time. she said that the only bad thing that she remembers is that one day there was a thunderstorm and that i did not open the door to my music teacher. for the first time i told anyone, i told her that day was my sister's birthday. my sister had died recently at the age of three. while i could go through the torture of my music lessons, i certainly would not put up with it on my departed sister's birthday. i missed my sister so very much. this wonderful woman told me that she had no idea that i being so young had such sensitivity. i cried. we philosophized on how very short life is and on how we do forget this very fact when we are young.
today i have felt very little hesitation. it has been a day from heaven and hell. yesterday was the awakening. the rude awakening that while i wished dearly to be accepted by my parents, i have failed miserably in gaining their acceptance. i am almost fifty years old, and my parents are totally disappointed with me. whatever debts i have incurred with my parents, i have not paid them back. my account is delinquent with them. i have declared bankruptcy. when it comes to being a daughter, i am bankrupt. i have failed in every and which expectation that my parents have ever had of me. i have failed totally. i am not the trophy daughter. i can not be displayed in glory of their achievement. no vindication from me is being issued for their ways. no glorification either at this address.
how very miserable my parents must be!
imagine the misery of having a daughter that has a doctorate but has failed at making a career. imagine having a daughter that has not married well. imagine a daughter without ambition. imagine a daughter that they seem to remember liked poetry but are not sure if that is true.
imagine the daughter who is a poet. imagine the pain.
imagine your daughter and her gorgeous laughter... imagine the unimaginable possibilities of your wondrous daughter...
imagine me and my hesitation. i fell in love with your daughter, the daughter that i never was.
i heard her ask you just a few days ago about what the chateau was after you asked if she wanted to go with you there ... skeptical, she was. hesitant she was not. your daughter she is.
