it was good

it was good to sit around a table with you and just relax, listen, and be.

once i asked another very dear to me how it was that he could stand to live with a person whose ego is ostentatious and unbearable. he smiled, shrugged his shoulders and told me that it builds his character. recently i have been facing lots of opportunities to build my character in this manner. when i encounter such an individual, i am tempted on occasions to just bury my head in the sand and ignore them. however having my head in the sand is not much help in either developing character, building reality or being present to existence. burying my head in the sand is denial. burying my head in the sand is being out of relationship.

i had a short talk in the shower room with her. we talked about my relationship with you. i felt her insecurity, and i wanted her to be reassured. afterwards i was left thinking that perhaps people do not really want reassurance while living in virtual insecurity and fighting for possession.

i had been scaling the walls of some fantastic mountain without any ground under my feet when i first met you. it was many years ago, and i did not even know that i had found myself scaling a mountain, much less that the ground under my feet was missing. i was lost, i did not see you. then one day, i found myself on the mountain and you were standing on my side. vertigo!

it was good to sit around a table with you and just relax, listen, and be.

i feel silence. silence.

why is it that instead of saying thank you, i say that i love you?

the sun rises in the east

have not given much sign of life recently...

had a long conversation with my brother today during which we discussed family issues and our own. we came up with the conclusion that somehow, we all have our secrets, even is these secrets are something that we only share with another person. it happens that there are facts to which we are the only living witness of their existence...am now thinking of the time when we met and how very unlikely and improbable our meeting was. sometimes i do wonder if there is something like fate or destiny... then i claimed to be counting the grains of sand in arabia. some time ago i met a man whom i found very interesting when i heard him speak at a conference that i was attending. i read a bit of what he writes and i thought that he had insights that very few people have. i got curious about his work and what he does. then later that year he and i were both speakers at another conference. one evening during that conference we sat across each other and i noticed for the first time that besides a brilliant intellect, there was also an interesting man there, and i thought nothing of it. the universe was bent on not letting things stand that way, and something happened that made me look at that man again. at the end of that year we met without either a group or work, but as two private individuals. meeting him was perhaps just as unlikely as it was meeting you even if in this case he does live in the same country, and his life and mine have strong parallels including the places where we have lived. there are human encounters that have a quality that seems rare. i feel blessed by the fact that i have had several such encounters. you do have a certain experience of me. i know for certain, that you have enriched and continue to enrich my life. recently i commented to him just before boarding a plane that often i am very distant and do keep people, in particular men, at quite a distance. he did not think so. i had to smile and think of you... it reminded me that with you, it had been that way. i dropped my guard, i wanted to know more about you. then i had to think again. there are a few men whom i have let into my life and with whom i have shared this life of mine intensely. you are a part of my life, not just a memory. you are the sunrise.

i am scared

remember that we laughed just a few days ago, and do remember that that is exactly what just a few months past, i had no idea could ever happen.

remember laughing and thinking nothing of it, knowing that it all means nothing, that is ecstasy. remember?

remember how you have been my muse for the past few years?

i think that without you i would have succumbed long ago. without you i would have perished in my loneliness, without you i would have disintegrated within my own forces.

without you, i say. what do i say?

now i am facing a new sheath of fear. what is the dagger's nature so intimately embraced by that sheath?

does the sheath envelope the dagger, or does it protect me from its nature?

what is this that i am feeling now?

i am so very tired of this multitude of foreign feelings! do not let me get lost in their chaos!

in all the years that i have known you, for the first time i imagine the intimacy of our struggle.

i am scared, i need to remember the lightness of our laughter. i need to remember the lightness of my laughter.

could it be that i just need to forget all?