trust

i have never been here before

uncertainty is all mine

and this time i have no doubts

i reckoned...

i reckoned that this day would come!

i hoped it would not.

what fault of mine is it that you did not live your life to its fullest?

what fault of mine was it that i was born?

what fault of mine is it?

i wanted you to die ignorant

i wanted you to not feel the pain

i wanted you to not know reality

i wanted you to believe your own illusion

and now i just want you to leave me alone.

let me be!

you gave me life, i am grateful for my life

you did not mean to give me life, did you?

i know that you did not.

but what am i to do?

i am here

i like being here

i love life

i love you

and

i do not like you.

these things that i do not like

i have this nagging feeling that my father is dying. i am at a loss. my parents have been on my mind a lot lately. i spoke with my mother yesterday and i could feel all her fear. i did not like one bit of it.

i also do not like it that i have this sense that my father is dying, if he did, it would however not surprise me the least bit. i think he has realized something about his life and the pain that this causes him may be more than he can bear. he was never a very strong man. as a matter of my own experience, he is one of the weakest men that i have ever come across, the total opposite of his father whom he has always been so fond of criticizing and moralizing over. i always identified with my grandfather and our biographies do run a few parallels, for that reason any criticism from his son, my father, towards him is something that i always took personally.

i do not like this at all!